Joke of the Day!!!!

Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet deep?

Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

I never finish anything... I have a black belt in partial arts.

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing.

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table” The officers look confused and ask him to elaborate. “It’s really strange but whenever I leave things on this coffee table they disappear and reappear somewhere else. When I leave take away containers on it they disappear and reappear in the trash. When I leave dirty plates and mugs on it, they disappear and reappear in the cupboards washed, dried and stacked neatly and even when I leave my dirty clothes on it they disappear! and reappear cleaned and neatly folded on my bed” The female police officer looks at the man and says “Oh my god, you’re an idiot. No wonder your girlfriend has left you.” And the male officer says “I don’t think she’s left him. I think he’s right. I’ve got the same coffee table at my house”

I went to the store to buy some camouflage pants.

Couldn't find any.

What's the difference between sex and playing cards?

When you play cards, if you don't have a good hand, you need a good partner.
When you have sex, if you don't have a good partner, you need a good hand.

The Penis Study

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

Why are the Great Pyramids in Egypt?

Because they're too heavy and big to take to the British Museum

If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days, just set it to the name of the current UK Prime minister and you should be fine.

Premier Danielle Smith blasts media for old comments she made 30 minutes ago

A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.

He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.

About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.

"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"

"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies.

The man thanks and pays her. As she's leaving she turns around and says "By the way, it's not a porch. It's a Ferrari."

Over top of a urinal: "What are you reading this for, the joke's in your hand."

I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt years ago

Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.