Joke of the Day!!!!

Voting is like doing a group project in school.

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.

What has 31 actors, three sets, two writers, and one plot?

71 Hallmark movies.

A cat walks into a bar.

He’s having a bad day. He asks the bartender for a shot of whisky. The bartender puts it on the counter and the cat slowly nudges the shot glass onto the floor breaking the shot glass. The cat looks up at the bartender and says "Leave the bottle. I’m not done yet."

The government just realized they have been using a black highlighter on news releases for several decades.

Why can't you cross an eel and an eagle?

Because it's eeleagle.

What does a deaf gynecologist do?

He reads lips.

I was going to tell a joke about Pizza, but it's too cheesy.

I think my family is racist.

I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

A teacher asked Johnny, "You what does a chicken give us?"

Johnny replied, "eggs."

"Very good, Johnny. Jessica, what does a sheep give us?"

"Wool."

"Very good, Jessica. DrCaleb, what does a cow give us?"

"Homework."

I had my own special seat in the principal's office.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

A recent study showed that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.

20 years ago, my best friend ran out of a room yelling "It's a boy!!! It's a boy!!!" with tears streaming down his face.

We've never been back to Thailand since.

A young woman was sitting on the porch of her small home out in the country. A young man came walking up the road. He stopped and looked at her, she looked at him, and not a word was spoken.

He took her in his arms, kissed her... he looked at her, she looked at him, and not a word was spoken. He swept her off her feet, took her to the bedroom, made love to her like a God... all the while he looked at her, she looked at him, not a word was spoken.

He got dressed and looked at her, she looked at him, but not a word was spoken... then he left.

She stayed in bed, basking in the afterglow and then said to herself, "I should have asked him what he wanted".

Putin didn't kill himself..

Sorry, just practicing.

What 6 letter word starts with n and ends in r. It is a race.

Nascar. What were you thinking of?