Canada Kicks Ass
Clarksonisms

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jambo101 @ Tue Feb 22, 2011 12:00 pm

Wasnt sure if i should put this in the humor section or the car section,,decided gear heads would better see the humor..



CLARKSONISMS


Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...


"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch."


"The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany ."


Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom."


On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."


"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite."


"The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."


"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"


"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.”


"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"


Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."


" Britain 's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."


"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"


On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."


"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."


"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time."


"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."


"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps."


"You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!"


"Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."


On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."

   



martin14 @ Tue Feb 22, 2011 12:21 pm

ok, I found more :lol: :lol:


You can probably find your car in here somewhere. ;)



Speed never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you.


A turbo: exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, witchcraft happens and you go faster.

On the Enzo Ferrari

"I rang up Jay Kay, who’s got one, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing."

I would buy that car if I was the sort of person who looked at their sister and thought, mmmmmm.

M3 drivers have no friends.

When driving the Mercedes SLR McLaren through a tunnel

“When they debate as to what the sound of the SLR engine was akin to, the British engineers from McLaren said it sounded like a Spitfire. But the German engineers from Mercedes said ‘Nein! Nein! Sounds like a Messerschmitt!’ They were both wrong. It sounds like the God of Thunder, gargling with nails.

Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.

When discussing the suspension adjustability on the Bentley Continental GT.

"It really is about as useful as having a snooze button on a smoke alarm".

The highlight of my childhood – it’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!

On Segways

"They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy."

"I’m choosing the words for my conclusion with even more care than usual. So here goes. The 1-series is crap."

BMW 1 Series

On caravaning in Britain

You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

Are there any Spanish people here today? Yes? GIVE ME MY FISH BACK! ROTFL

On the Corvette Z06

“As something to live with every day, I’d rather have bird flu.”

BMW 645Ci

"If you were to buy a 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside."

On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG

“It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.”

Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.

On the Lotus Exige

“To get an idea of just how spartan this thing is, you just have to look through the rear window. Back there you’ve got chicken wire, bacofoil and tupperware. It’s kind of like peering into one of your grannies’ old kitchen cabinets.”

There are signs directing you away from Birmingham but nothing enticing you in.

On a Chevrolet Corvette

"The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!”

On the Chrysler PT Cruiser: "The front looks like a face. A friendly face from the land that gave us friendly fire."

Air Conditioning systems in Lamborghini's of old was like a mouse, coughing on you. Acho. Acho.

-Review of the Lamborghini Murcielago LP640




THE WISDOM OF CLARKSONIUS

   



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