Greetings my fellow americans . Many of you have been wondering what happened to former president Bush . It is my understanding that he experienced some sort of religious transformation , and chose to follow a path more in keeping with his widely professed christian faith . Although I don't have all the details , at last report , Mr. Bush was working with Jimmy Carter to build homes for the poor , and getting a solid education in foreign relations . I have also learned that Dick Chenney and Donald Rumsfeld have started a new company which will design hyper - realistic video games involving armageddon and other doomsday scenarios . Colin Powell spends most of his time going to schools around the country teaching children how to spot a potential schoolyard bully through the expert use of audio visual aids and show and tell demonstrations . Everyone else in the former Bush administration has either stepped down , gone to jail , or , elected to attend special sensitivity training courses designed especially for them , and I personally would like to thank Kenneth lay for fully funding the costs of this special program .

As president , my first order of business is to redirect our military and intelligence forces to the goal of defeating and dismantling the Al Qaeda organization , as well as any terrorist groups that threaten the U.S. and it's allies . Since I realize that military force alone cannot secure everlasting peace , I have ordered that all military aid to Israel be cancelled and instead be redirected to the creation of a palestinian homeland under the direction of the united nations . For those that worry about Israel's national security , the United States pledges to continue it's policy to defend Israel in the event that it cannot defend itself . This administration will increase by 200% it's intelligence capability in the middle east by greatly increasing our numbers of arabic speaking agents , as well as permanent ground and space based surveilance of potentially unfriendly regimes . The United States , under direction of the U.N. , will embark upon an unprecedented program of nation building in the middle east , as well as other regions to support true democratic process in the poor nations of the world . Together with the U.N. , we will openly support groups that wish to overthrow dictatorships in their countries provided those groups demonstrate that they can and will bring true reform to their countries .

It will be neccessary to drastically cut various military spending programs that are not tailored to the defense needs of the United States . Therefore , I am canceling the B - 2 Stealth bomber , F -22 Raptor , and various other billion dollar weapons programs . We have determined that the United States has the military power to totally destroy the earth several times over , and since only one time is sufficient , all further nuclear weapons programs will be cancelled . Money for these programs will be redirected to U.N . sponsored efforts to eliminate nuclear proliferation in other parts of the world . In this way , America will move from being dominated by the military industrial complex , to a greatly diversified economy that is better suited to improving the world and life for it's inhabitants . Portions of Money that would normally be spent for billion dollar military hardware will be spent on increasing special operations forces and the equipment they require , as well as considerable upgrades to our intelligence services . Of the billions that are left over , most will go to NASA to develop a single stage to orbit vehicle to replace the space shuttle . I will also cancel all further funding for the so called ' star wars ' program , as I believe it is in the best interests of humanity to avoid the militarization of space , and furthermore a missle defense shield , assuming it could work , would not defend us anyway from the low tech threats we are likely to face in these times .

It will be the policy of this government to redress the damage done in the past to our relationships with our friends and allies . We remember the outpouring of support of nations from around the world following the attacks of 9/11 , and we deeply regret our arrogant behaviour towards friends and allies when they sometimes questioned our actions . America will concentrate on improving the economies of nations in this hemisphere by canceling the North American Free trade agreement , because we have come to realize that Canada and Mexico have benefitted very little from this treaty , while business elites from the u.s. have made tremendous profits mainly due to the loss of thousands of jobs . Following the recovery of the u.s. economy , this administration will seek to improve economic and social conditions in the nations of central and south america . And through the United Nations , we will work to overthrow repressive , right wing regimes that , in many cases , were strongly supported by the United States in the past .

We have many challenges to overcome , but I am confident that we will prevail in our efforts to forge a nation more in keeping with the vision of our founding fathers. Americans will be required to work hard at reversing the course of our country . For my part , I promise to severly punish corporate criminals , and white collar crime , as well as fighting the so called globalization movement . Some have referred to my policies as " Robin Hood " economics , and I can honestly say I take it as a compliment . It is my intention to make the world a better place for all people , regardless of race , creed or religion . In cooperation with the canadian government , my administration is actively planning on creating a new country somewhere in north america called Crayteeann , which will be a homeland for people who speak neither french nor English . I plan to serve only one four year term , and I have already been training potential replacements for me to be president . Most of them do not have any political party affiliations and will probably run on an independent ticket , although one candidate is supposedly creating something called The common sense party . It doesn't matter to me , as long as they do what is right for the public , and the world at large .

Many of you have asked what I plan to do after leaving office and I can say with certainty that I will be moving to Canada , where I will live out my days in pursuit of Wine , Women and Song , somewhere in the province of Alberta . I plan to travel across Canada though , because I hear it's a nice country from one end to the other. However , don't try to find me because I will probably be deep in the woods , drinking in some small pub , or hidden away somewhere eating beaver . Therefore , once my term is over , I won't be available as a consultant , or for political speaking engagements because I believe that many people should take the responsibility of making their country and world a better place . No one person can do it all , and besides , I'm sure there are alot of people out there with even better ideas than mine . Thank you , and good night

   

Theres a new Sheriff in town boys...