Previous  1  2  3  4  5  6 ... 155  Next

The Italian who went to Detroit

One day I go to Detroit to a bigga hotel. In tha morning, I go down to eat breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She brings only one piss. I tella I wanna two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say "You no unnastand, I wanna two piss on my plate". She say "You better no piss on the plate, you somma ma bitch". I don't even know the lady and she called me a somma ma bitch.
Later, I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tell I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella, "You no unnastand, I wanna fock on the table". She say, "you better not fock on the table, you somma ma bitch".

So I go back to my room in tha hotel and there is no shits ona my bed. I called the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me go to the toilet. I say "You no unnastand, I wanna shit ona the bed". He say "You better no shit on the bed, you somma ma bitch".

I go to the check out and the man at the desk say "Peace to you" and I say "Piss ona you too, YOU somma ma bitch. I qonna back to Italy".

   

The Englishman and the Scotsman

There was once an Englishman and a Scotsman who lived next door to each other. The Englishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens' eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Scotsman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Scotsman pick up the egg. The Englishman ran up to the Scotsman and told him that the egg belonged to himself because he owned the hen. The Scotsman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Englishman said "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following message: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Scotsman agreed to this and so the Englishman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Scotsman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Scotsman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Scotsman stood up and said "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Englishman replied "Keep the fucking egg."

   

A bear walks into a bar in Beiseker and sits down at the bar.
He calls the bartender over and asks him for a beer.
The bartender says "We don't serve bears beer in Beiseker."
"Why the hell not! I demand a beer!" yells the bear."If you don't give me one, I'll eat that woman sitting at the end of the bar!"
"Well," said the bartender calmly, "We definately don't serve belligerent bears beer in Bieseker."
The bear in a fit of rage goes down to the end of the bar eats woman. He then turns to the bartender and roars "GIVE ME A BEER!"
"We don't serve belligerent bears on drugs, beer in Bieseker" says the bartender calmy polishing a glass.
"I'M NOT ON DRUGS!" screams the bear.

"You are now," says the bartender, "That was a bar-bitch-you ate."

   

Little Johnny is lying on his sisters bed watching her and their mother get her dressed in her wedding gown.
"Mom," asks little Johnny "Why are wedding dresses white?"
"It's a symbol of the brides purity" she says.
Little Johnny ponders that for a bit and he isn't quite satisfied with the answer. So he goes looking for his Dad. He finds him in the livingroom reading his paper. "Dad?" says Johnny.
"Yes, son?"
"Why are wedding dresses white? Mom says it's a symbol of purity or something. Is that the reason?"
Johnnies Dad snorts. "No son, thats not the reason. Look in the kitchen.
See? All kitchen appliances are white."

   

A raunchy Johnny joke.

Johnny is thinking about the difference between theory and reality. Looking for help he finds his Dad reading the paper in the livingroom.
"Dad, what the difference between theory and reality?"
Johnnies Dad thinks for a minute then tells him to go find his Sister and ask her this question. Come back with her answer. So Johnny goes running off. He finds her in her room combing her hair.
"Sis?"
"What, Johnny?"
"Would you suck a cock for a million dollars?" asks Johnny.
Sis thinks about it for a second and says "Yes, I would for a million dollars."
Johnny goes and tells his Dad. His Dad says to ask his Mom the same question and let him know what the answer is. Johnny again runs off.
He finds her in the kitchen doing dishes and asks her the same question. Johnnies Mom thinks about it for 10 seconds and says that, yes, she would suck a cock for a million dollars. Johnnies runs and finds his Dad and tells him the answer.
"So Dad, whats the difference between theory and reality?"
"Well son, the theory is: This family is worth 2 million dollars.
The reality is: We live with two cocksuckers."

   

LOL I havent heard that one in a while...A slightly different ending but the same joke... Thanks for that one buddy

   

A redneck goes to heaven.

There was this Redneck that died and went to heaven, at the same time as his death a world renowned poet died at the same time and both arrived at the pearly gates together at closing time.

As it had been a busy day for Saint Peter he only had room for 1 of them and he really wanted the poet but didn’t want to make the Redneck feel bad so he thought of a competition.

He told both that the one that could write the best poem with the word Timbuktu in it, that person could stay and the other would have to go to hell.

The Redneck gets all worried and the poet says I got one already.
Now the Redneck’s really a basket case and he’s thinking hard, St Peter tells the poet to go ahead and recite his and he’d give the redneck a little extra time. So the poet starts.

When I traveled to a far off land, I sat and gazed across the sand.
I couldn’t believe that it was true, but there I saw Timbuktu.

Very good said St Peter, ok redneck it’s your turn, and he’s just in a daze trying to come up with something.

Well I got to close the gate and I need your poem now, just then to Peter’s surprise the Redneck comes up with one. Ok it goes like this he says.

Me and my buddy Tim, a hunting went, when we spied 3 girls sleeping in a tent .
Seen as they was 3 and we was 2, I bucked 1 and Tim bucked 2.

   

I learned this one from my family, said by my late Grand Father Jean Pouliot.............

American beer is like making love in a canoe............@#$%ING WATER!!!!

   

Joke of the day




pRIME MINISTER paUL maRTIN..

rotflmfao................

   

LOLOLOLOLOL good one RH!!!

   

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?











A pimp.

   

A dog named "Sex"

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine "Sex". Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "but this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid!
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too".

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have sex on T.V." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I am looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

   

The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk : "What's with the guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk responds : "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative".
The owner, wide-eyed and excited, shouts : "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives".
The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can; look at him, he's afraid to cough."

   

HAHAaaha Mario, nice one

   

While auditioning for a job, a pianist played one of his own compositions.
"That's beautiful," the lounge owner enthused. "What do you call it?"

"Rip off Her Clothes and Screw Her Doggy Style," the pianist replied.
The owner told the musician to play another piece, which was equally beautiful. When asked the title, the pianist replied, "Shove Your Dick in Her Mouth and Whistle a Happy Melody."

"Look, I love your music," the owner said, "but I'll hire you only if you keep your song titles to yourself."

The pianist agreed and began work that night. After his first set, he got up to go to the men's room. On his way back, a customer stopped him.

"Excuse me, do you know your fly's unzipped and your cock is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the pianist exclaimed. "I wrote it, man!"

   

Previous  1  2  3  4  5  6 ... 155  Next