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As scary as Steven Harper’s Conservative Majority may seem for some people, I figured I’d remind everyone that with everything in life, things can always be worse. Then again, they can be better too. So, I decided, that because my views are more radical than a 720 off a tailpipe followed by a nosegrind onto a Muslim’s beard, I can give some insight as to what would happen if for some reason, my political party ended up with a majority. Like it or hate it, I expect comments. Just keep in mind some of these are fairly controversial. Read at your own discretion.

Cut down on immigration

I am sick to death of all these foreigners bringing aspects of their old countries to Canada and thus, derailing our culture into a shell of its former self. People have seemingly forgotten what it’s like to be Canadian, and quite frankly, I’ve jihad enough. Ghettos and projects are becoming infestations of unemployed, religious fanatics who don’t even watch Canadian television. Instead, they get most of their news – scratch that – extremely biased news, from outside sources overseas.

And I’ll be honest, it’s not like most of these people can really contribute anything to Canada anyway because we let more people into our country than we know what to do with. Keep in mind, I got out of high school three years ago, and spent a considerable time in both that of the Catholic (Canadian Pride by default) and Public systems. I can easily tell you that those in the public system – those who are immigrants with estranged views – spent the majority of the time just not caring about school. These were the people who, most of the time, spoke in foreign languages, held onto their culture instead of embracing the Canadian one, and spent more time engaging in criminal-related activity than their counterparts born and raised on Canadian soil.

What do we, Canadians, want our future to be like? Do we want to continue to be a force in the world of pro hockey? Or do we want a bunch of basketball players running around? The word ‘eh’ will become obsolete. Tim Hortons will be replaced with shawarma shops! It’ll be illegal for women to show themselves in public! And Canadian bacon will be taken off store shelves! Think of the children! Actual Canadian children!

That’s not to say all immigrants are bad. The Russians, Asians (actual Asians, not those South Asian bollywood-watching nutjobs), Germans, Scandinavians, and Australians can come over also. But let’s really try to cut down on Somalis, Muslims, most Indians, and pretty much, just anyone who’d have a fit if I draw a stick figure and name him the Prophet Jerkface.


Next issue... Quebec!

The answer is simple to this one. French shall no longer be one of the official languages of Canada. We shall also allow the ‘great nation of Quebec’ to become its own ‘nation’. Then, once we do that, our Canadian military will move in with our newly acquired fighter planes and launch a full scale invasion of Quebec just before they can rename the Montreal Canadians to the Montreal Quebecois.

But why would I do it?

Let’s face it, those who only speak French in the province of Quebec without even attempting to learn the superior language of English are part of a racist xenophobic society. And quite frankly, it’ll be so awesome after we invade to have cereal boxes at IGA to be on the English side for once.

Not to mention that now we could cut out that French verse from our National Anthem. Speak English or go home! That specifically implies to immigrants who talk gibberish. Plus, in addition, if Canada invades Quebec, we can take the Hydro!!! Sure, it’s not as good as oil, but it’s something.


Experimentation on Criminals and Sociopaths

Lifers, pedophiles, rapists, and people diagnosed as having ASP (Anti-social personality disorder aka sociopaths) will be put into camps and shall be experimented on to cure diseases and stuff. It’ll be awesome. Think of the lives we’ll save!

Now, this is probably the most controversial idea I have, but in my mind, it’s the best one. Commit a crime? Pay the price. At least then you’d actually be doing something for society. Why should these people spend life behind bars? That costs money. Too much money. And rather than make inmate fights to the death like in the films ‘Gamer’ and ‘Death Race’, with this we’ll be saving lives. That, and it’ll make anyone think twice before committing a crime.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “didn’t the Nazis do something like this?” The short answer is ‘yes’ whereas the long answer is “yesssssss”. But the really short answer, and correct one, might I add, is a simple two letter word known as ‘no’. You see, where the Nazis went out of their way to capture Jews for their skills at income tax (keep in mind, this was way before Quick Tax was invented) and tortured them – my political party wouldn’t be going out of its way to round of people because of their religion. We’d only take murderers and wanted criminals / people with zero empathy and use them to help society. No more diseases would be awesome. That way, hospital wait times will go down significantly. Because really, if we don’t do something about crime, we’ll end up spending about one full year of our lives waiting in hospitals reading old magazines and watching reruns of Judge Judy on a TV. Is that fair? Um... no.


Legalize (almost) Everything

Want to drink in public? It can happen. Want to walk around in the nude? Only if you’re female. Want to have insanely crazy poker games where you can lose your first born son and house to your best friend? You bet it, and we’ll re-raise you! Want to smoke pot in the middle of church? What would Jesus do – doesn’t matter – it’s legal, he’d do it anyway. The way I see it is, unless you’re endangering the life of someone or stealing, then by all means, you should be free to do as you like.

Why would I do this? Rules are meant to be broken. It’s a statement that has been around since the very first rule was invented. But if you take away all the rules, then there are no rules to even break. So people end up going about their business without causing a ruckus. It’s perfect. Flawless. And brilliant.

Anyway, that’s what would happen if I ran the country. Don’t know how many of these changes could actually happen before waves of bleeding hearts show up at my door shedding tears for their beloved and rehabilitated convicts, but wouldn’t it be awesome if they did?

That’s all for this week, and as always, may the force be with you.

   

The pharmacy called. Your pills have been ready and waiting for you to pick them up for more than a week.

   

He is likely supporting the entire pharmacy single handed.

   

I wonder if he has ever comtemplated what his life would be like if he'd received enough oxygen during his birth.

   

That was a nice copy paste.

   

Why do I keep getting this feeling that we'll never hear from Puerile Mr. TehNogX again?




Maybe it's just hoping we won't that I'm feeling.

   

Best way to improve Canada would be for the OP to just stay in his parents basement and avoid human contact as much as possible.

   

Well I will say I read the whole thing. Not sure how but I made it through to the last paragraph.

   

Deport Thanos?

   

There's the distinct possibility both countries are improved by closing the border to each of you.

   

I'm thinking this cute little creature needs to buy his own island and set up shop there.
And no, I will not follow

   

You say that now...

   

I ain't going to a lawless country, where everybody can have their way with me just because they want to. Ain't happening.
I don't want to move to Sudan for a reason, why would I want to move to a lawless island?

   

   

Hey! I leave the guns at home most of the time when I visit Canada.

   

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