FOR THE WOMEN!

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the Manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face now with both hands. Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me -I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and his full head of hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues seductively, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. She slowly continues, "Tell him,... that there,...is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

check this out..It is cute..i got it fdrom my aunt today.

http://www.clarako.com/I_Like_You.swf

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004; Thanks for all the laughs)

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "

That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
--Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
--Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
--Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards
--Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
--Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
--Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
--Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
--George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. --Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. --Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,"There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." --Henny Youngman

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. --Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. --Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. --Erma Bombeck

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat
patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that
is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

The Sex Life of a Man
>
> When the Creator was making the world and all its inhabitants, he called
> man
> aside. "I'm bestowing upon you," the Creator said, "twenty years of active
> sex life."
>
> Man was dismayed. "Only twenty years?" he protested. "Great One, that
> isn't
> enough. Can't you add a few more years?"
>
> But the Creator shook his head. It was twenty years or nothing, so man
> glumly sat down.
>
> The monkey was called forth. He was offered twenty years of active sex
> life
> too. But, the monkey suggested humbly that ten years would be quite
> enough,
> since he seldom lived longer than that anyway.
>
> Immediately the man leaped up. "Can I have your extra ten years?" he
> cried
> excitedly. "Of course," said the monkey graciously.
>
> The lion was then called forth and the Creator made the same offer. He
> shook
> his mane. "Mighty One," he roared, "I'm a monogamous animal: therefore,
> ten
> years will be enough for me."
>
> Again, the man stood up. "Can I have the lion's share also?" he asked
> eagerly. Both the lion and the Creator agreed, and the man sat down
> elated.
>
> The donkey was then called up, but when the Creator offered him twenty
> years, he balked. "Sire," he brayed, "I want to reserve some time for
> eating
> sweet clover. Ten years are ample time for me."
>
> The Creator nodded, then turned and looked at man. "I suppose you want
> his
> ten years as well?" Man smirked and nodded. "So be it," said the Creator
> and
> turned away.
>
> And that is how it came to pass that mans has the twenty years of active
> sex
> life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten
> years of making an ass of himself.

Subject: Kids...A True Story - Funny!

If this doesn't make you laugh, there is absolutely no hope for your day!

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play.
It was to be a Shakespearean play. The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden....
I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."

The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous,
knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them
to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loudly as soon
as the curtain goes up.

The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified.

They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words.....
"My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of ****,
horse ****, this is bull ****....----- I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway!!"

The audience left howling.

Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's
best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor. Mix on the
turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just! pry it loose with a
drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two
cups of salt, or something. Check the Jose Cuervo.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a
spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and
make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

What is the difference between girls/women aged:
>8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

At 8: You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18: You tell her a story and take her to bed.

A t 28: You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38: She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48: She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58: You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68: If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78: What story???
What bed???
Who are you???

.----- A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When, after a bit, he had heard nothing more, he shook his head and promised himself a vacation after the next big score. Then he clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard:

"Jesus is watching
you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around, frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."

1. Two times a week, go to a nice restaurant, have a little
beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, you go on Fridays.

2. Sleep in separate beds. Hers in Moncton, and
yours in Toronto.

3. Take your wife everywhere..... and hope she eventually stops finding her way back.

4. When your husband says he'd like to go somewhere he hasn't been in a long time for your anniversary....suggest the kitchen.

5.Always hold hands, she'll think it's romantic... You know it's just that your afraid to let go, in case she shops.

6. Your husband overhears you telling a girlfriend about your miracle mud packs and how they realy make you look your best...he tries it himself and for two days he looks great! Then the mud falls off.

"Einstein once said that 'Insanity doing the same thing over and over again and
expecting different results.'"

Did I Read That Sign Right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT
BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)

NOW THAT YOU SMILED, ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND