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Man and Woman At a Bar

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"Good Point!" the woman countered. "However, Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

   

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in her little chair
at the
Table. She looks into her little bowl. It is empty.
"Who's been
Eating my porridge?!!" she squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big
chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.
Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch
from the
Kitchen and yells. "For Christ's sake, how many times
do we have
To go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear
who got up
First, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the
house, it was
Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who
unloaded the
Dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,
it was Mummy
Bear who went out in the cold
Early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy
Bear who
Set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the
friggin cat out,
It was Mummy Bear who cleaned the litter box, it was
Mummy Bear
Who filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that
you've
Decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
grace Mummy
Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence. Listen good,
cause I'm
Only going to say this one more time...





I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

   

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.
>
>He walks in.
>
>She says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."
>
>He thinks, "This is my lucky day", and gives it his all on the kitchen table.
>
>He says afterwards, "What was that all about?"
>
>She says, "The egg timer's broken."

   

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't fockin think so

   

THE WASH CLOTH

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office
To tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have
Made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and wnet home. The rest of the day was normal: some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she
Called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to
Get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

   

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Audrey were sitting on a park bench having a conversation, when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and to their shock and dismay, opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Audrey, being older and a bit more feeble, couldn't reach that far!

   

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . .. They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge

   

A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St Peter asks first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Katrina have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jackie sticks her arse in it"

   

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
_________________

   

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting:

1. 85% of women think their ass is too fat...

2. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

3. The other 5% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and
they would have married him anyway

   

hahahahaha Mrs fat is going to laugh her ass of at that.

   

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water
>cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria
>said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked
>me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"
>
>"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then
>use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your
>dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"
>
>"What should I do?" asked Gloria.
>
>Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

   

You've got to love this little girl.
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals
would that be?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back and a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.

   

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a nursing home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager. "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," he said. "They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale.

   

When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard. My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on. When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty person who probably wants money and I look away. My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back. When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune and don't have much rhythm so I sit self-consciously and listen. My kids feel the beat and move to it. They sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make up their own. When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk. My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground laughing. When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this, give me that. My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy." When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets. My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to cross, and worms to play with. I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from? No wonder God loves the little children! Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. I wish you Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions!!!

   

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