FOR THE WOMEN!

There are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He like Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin and His mother was sure He was God

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He had twelve drinking buddies
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But the strangest evidence of all --3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.
Amen!

A man read, in the want ads, of a Ferrari for sale. It had only 3,000 miles. "Like new," the ad boasted. "Mint condition. $75.00."
He laughed to himself, and he said, "There goes the newspaper, making another mistake." But he decided to call the number anyway and he asked the woman who answered about the sports car.
"Is it really brand new?"
"Yes," she replied.
"Three thousand miles?"
"Yes."
"The price?"
"Seventy-five dollars," she answered.
"Lady, what's wrong with it?" he asked.
"Nothing is wrong with it. You're the first to call. I suppose nobody else believes the ad."
He decided to look at it. She let him take a test drive. The car looked exquisite and ran perfectly. He just couldn't believe his luck!
"The car is yours for $75.00," the woman said emphatically, "on one condition. I want the money now and I want you to drive it away so I never have to see it again."
He paid her and took the keys.
"Please tell me, lady," he persisted. "You could have sold this car for fifty-thousand dollars. What is going on?"
She told her story: "I bought this car for my husband on our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Two weeks later he ran off with somebody else. Last week I got a card from him. They are in a resort in Miami Beach, Florida.
The card said, 'Need money, sell car, send cash.'"

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith.

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss.
Or I can do it.
Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it.
But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!!"

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs, "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"
(He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, he just might be able to walk again.)

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it.
So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited! He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."
"What's it called?" Eve asked.
"Brains" God said.

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard

A man goes up to the minister at the local church.
"Reverend," he said, "We have a problem.
My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister.
"Take this hat pin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.
"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.
"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.
"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.
"Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face. Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
As Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife's thigh with the hat pin piercing her skin, she screamed,
"You stick that fricken thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.

1.. You - Off my planet.
2.. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3.. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4.. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5.. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be?
6.. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7.. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8.. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9.. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10.. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11.. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12.. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't sleeping.
13.. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14.. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15.. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16.. You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.
17.. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18.. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19.. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my job is done here.
20.. Earth is full. Go home.
21.. Is it time for your medication or mine?
22.. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
23.. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America.
Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. Below is the first picture available of this worlds-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results. The lab tech says to her,
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can't we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.""How much?" asked Grandpa. $10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. "Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00. Iknow," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma.

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a
royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his
staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his
room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for
several minutes, he finally settled down, Crossed his arms and opened his
mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use
an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but
eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse
insert the thermometer he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now
you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room
open
on her way out! He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past
his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's
the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature
taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation".

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!!)?

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted
>> weights and jogged 8 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror
>> and noticed that he was tanned all over except for his "thingie. " So he
>> decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely
>> undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his
>> "thingie" which he left sticking up. Two old ladies were strolling
>> along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking
>> up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking
>> to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world." The other lady
>> asked what she meant. She said, when I was 20, I was curious about it.
>> When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I begged for it. When I
>> was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70,
>> I forgot about it. Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on
>> the beach and I'm too old to squat!
>>