FOR THE WOMEN!

How can women be so mean and say such things is beyond me......

For all those men who say,

Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.

Here's an update for you:

Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like ..Laxatives .....

They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like ..Bananas ......

The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ..Weather ...

Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like .....Blenders ...

You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are ! like .Chocolate Bars ....

Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ....Commercials ......

You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores .....

Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ........Government Bonds ....

They take soooooooo long to mature.

9.Men are like .....Mascara .

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like .Popcorn .....

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like . Snowstorms

You never know when they're coming,

how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps

Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots ..

All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

After the woman gave birth to a baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her
bedside. "I have something I must tell you about your baby."
"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.
"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
"What's that?"
"It means your baby has both male and female parts."
"Oh my God!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean it has a penis...and a brain?"

A good friend of mine sent this to me it was so funny....you should get a good laugh.

http://thepregnancytester.com/view_father.html

A young woman, away studying for a year in another country far from
home recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back
home. It read as follows:

Dear Mary,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us
is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,
since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, John

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots
they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc.

In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other
picture of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear John,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f**k you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Mary

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their
ass.
I thought the results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big...

10% of women think their ass is too little...

The other 5% say that they don't care ....
- they love him and would have married him anyway

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of
puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must
be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box?

We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up."

"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box."

Short and sweet and very accurate !

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up
something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item
away
from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been,
it's
dirty and probably has germs." I replied. At this point, my daughter
looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know
all
this stuff?"

"Uh," ..I was thinking quickly, "All Mums know this stuff. It's on
the
Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mummy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if
you
don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my
heart.

I know that christmas is over but this is just too funny...

http://members.aol.com/frogiearno/dearsanta.htm

10 REASONS A COMPUTER MUST BE MALE

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a back up.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. The best part of having one is the games you can play.
7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
8. The lights are on but no one is home.
9. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
10. Size does matter.

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch
of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that
his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the
axe to make his living. The Lord went down in the
water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this
your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a
silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an
iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

"Yes", he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the
man's honesty and gave him all three axes to
keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with
his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into
the river. When he cried out, the Lord again
appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up
with Angelina Jolie.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried
the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh,
forgive me, Lord. It is misunderstanding. You see,
if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have
come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also
said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my
wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given
me all three.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take
care of all three wives, and I love my wife such
that I don't want her to share me with anyone,
so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies,
it is for a good and honorable reason, and for
the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!

A new, young MD doing his
>> residency in OB was quite
>> embarrassed performing
>> female pelvic exams. To cover
>> his embarrassment he had
>> unconsciously formed
>> a habit of whistling softly.
>>
>> The middle aged lady upon whom
>> he was performing this
>> exam suddenly burst
>> out laughing and further
>> embarrassed him. He looked up
>> from his work and
>> sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
>> Was I tickling you?"
>>
>> She replied, "No doctor,
>> but the song you were
>> whistling was 'I wish I was
>> an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
>>
>> --won't admit his name

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your Jerkis doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably drinking beer at the bar with his friends."

MAN OF YOUR DREAMS

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

FAITHFUL OR UNFAITHFUL?

Three men died and stood in front of God.

God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a midsize car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?"

"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"