Joke of the Day!!!!

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in
here."

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"

A horse walks into a bar carrying jumper cables. The barman says, "I don't mind the long face, but I don't want you starting nothing."

Again:

Cathi staggered home very late after another evening with her buddy, Fadra the Skank. She took off her shoes to avoid waking her husband, Clyde. She tiptoed as quietly as she could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As she caught herself by grabbing the banister, her body swung around and she landed heavily on her lardie Ass. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, redcathi sprung up, pulled down her underpants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that her butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. She managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting Band-Aids best she could on each places he saw blood. She then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled her way to bed.

In the morning, redcathi woke up with searing pain in both her head and butt and Clyde staring at her from across the room. He stared at her and then said "Well, it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.

WHICH DO YOU HAVE??

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
ass and having the balls to say, "You're next.

Two linemen are repairing telephone wires out in the desert. Pete down at the truck has to have a piss so he walks into the ditch & does his business. But he startles a rattlesnake & the snake strikes right at his unit. Pete screams to Charlie up the pole what happened & to call a Dr. Charlie pulls out his phone & calls the doc, tells him Pete has been bit by a rattlesnake & what should he do. The doc tells Charlie to cut an incision in between the punctures & suck the poison out & rush Pete to the hospital. Charlie says thanks & hangs up. Pete screams "What did the doc say Charlie?" Charlie replies "Doc says you aint gonna make it Pete." :lol:

A baby seal walks into a club! :lol:

hahaha usababe! that's pretty funny, but what really made me ROTFL

was Twister's first seal joke! tarter sauce my bum... :lol:

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer (say it out loud :lol:

)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
Still no fucking eye deer :lol:

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.00 per pound, but deer nuts are under a buck.

Excercise Routine

Hey...guys don't want this happening to you in the boys/mens shower room [laughat]

I only read some of it...lol but it wasn't quite that funny...maybe I have to be guy...

There was a newfie and an irishman and a french man that volunteered to go up in a space ship for 10 years. NASA asked each one what they would like a 10 year supply of and the irishman replied "I would love to have a 10 year supply of all the best whiskey!" and then the french man replied "I would love to have a 10 year supply of all the best food in the world!" and then the newfie replied "Smokes! I gotta have my smokes!" and so then they packed them up and sent them off and then 10 years later they retured. They asked each of them how they liked their things. the irshman replied "Oh, I was drunk every second night!" and the french man replied "Oh, I ate like a little pig!" and then the newfie replied "Uh, gotta light?"

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old
man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two
(counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his
49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him,
while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's
head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect
safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging
the use of safety goggles on the job. According to
Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory
industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers
suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening
room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven
stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while
watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on
nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating
one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in
St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene,
fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to
complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13
years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took
the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it
reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker
confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a
few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for
robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to
see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized
his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse
in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a
suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and
connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and
police pressed the copy button each time they thought the
suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia,
Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated
robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still
refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of
walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph
chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the
vehicle to a stop.

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