Joke of the Day!!!!

One more for the road....

for all you Corporate employees out there....

Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman
wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was
Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The
nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at
the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the
priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,

"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first!
Me first!"says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone."OK, you're up,"
the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked
him,"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found
that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshlt might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

don't apologise...maybe someone wanted to read it again, but couldn't find it!

lolll I haven't heard that one yet! ROTFL

For women

1. Pull into an Insta Lube when mileage reaches 3000 since last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 mins later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

For men

1. Goto auto parts store and buy oil, filter, spill kit, hand cleaner and sented tree. Pay with cash.
2. Discover that the used oil container you had is full from the last oil change. Dump in hole you dug in backyard.
3. Open beer; drink
4. Jack up car. Spend 45 minutes looking for jack stands, consume 2 beers. Find jack stands in trunk.
5. Place drain pan under motor.
6. Look for 9/16 box end wrench, 15 mins, drink another beer, use crescent wrench.
7. Unscrew drain plug.
8. Drop drain plug into pan of hot oil.
9. Drink beer while oil is draining.
10. Clean up
11. Look for oil filter wrench, 15 mins, drink beer.
12. Give up looking, poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist off.
13. Beer.
14. Friend shows up with a case of beer. Finish tomorrow.
15. Next day, drag full oil pan from beneath car, dump in hole in backyard.
16. Use spill kit to clean up.
17. Beer?
18. Walk to beer store.
19. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
20. Pour 1 litre of oil into motor.
21. Hurry to replace drain plug before oil runs out onto clean floor.
22. Run to backyard and stick arm in the pool of oil looking for drain plug.
23. Begin cursing fit.
24. Beer.
25. Clean up spill.
26. Replace drain plug cross threaded, oily hand slips on wrech rapping knuckles on frame.
27. Throw wrench at wall.
28. Curse for additional 10 mins because wrench hit Miss December and let large oil stain on her boob.
29. Beer.
30. Clean up, apply bandaids, beer.
31. Very carefully pour in 4 more litres of oil.
32. Beer.

Onions & Christmas trees (duh , already done....)

How about this one?

Honey, read two jokes up...

sorry. i'm slow sometimes.

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws his kite in the air, the wind caches it for a few seconds,
then it comes crashing down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to
herself how men always need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail!"

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind... last night you told me to go fly a kite." [BF]

What's the difference between a porcupine and a cop car?

On a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.

A comely woman from New York was driving through a remote part of
Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came
along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian
would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the
surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around
his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the
woman answered.

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles." [?]

A visiting minister offered the opening prayer:

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on
his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that silent, awkward moment when he
paused for a breath, one very obedient young girl (who was listening
carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her
shrill little voice,

"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...

ROTFL