Joke of the Day!!!!

What can I say....it's true! :lol:

Help Desk: Problem Determination and Resolution

This is a true story from the Wordperfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however he is currently suing the Wordperfect organization for "termination without cause". The conversation went like this...

Ridge Hall computer assistance, how may I help you?

Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Wordperfect.

What sort of trouble?

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Went away?

They disappeared.

Hmmmmmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Nothing.

Nothing?

It's blank; it won't accept anything I type.

Are you still in Wordperfect, or did you get out?

How do I tell?

Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

What's a sea-prompt?

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around the screen?

There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

Does your monitor have a power indicator?

What's a monitor?

It's the thing with the screen that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

I don't know.

Well then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Yes, I think so.

Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Yes it is.

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

No

Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other calbe.

Okay, here it is.

Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

I can't reach.

Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?

No

Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.

Dark?

Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Well, turn on the office light then.

I can't

No? Why not?

Because there's a power outage.

A power.........A power outage? A ha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Really? Is it that bad?

Yes, I'm afraid it is.

Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Thought you might like to see what happened to me last week.

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a shit. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a
little fun each day. It's important at my age.

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold
night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road,
and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was,
and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to
death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let
it go in the morning?"

He says, "Okay".

"Where shall I put it to get it warm," the wife asks?

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and
warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used
to beat him with died at the scene.

Come on, it's funny. Even I can laugh at it!

A girl goes to a Tattoo parlour in Dartmouth.
The tattoo artists asks her what she wants to get done. She promptly replies, "I want a Chrsitmas tree on my right inner thigh, and exploding fireworks on th my inner left thigh."
"What the hell do you want that for?" the artist asks.
"Because my boyfriend is always saying that is never anything good to eat between Christmas and New Year's!"

A curiuous fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line for judgement.
As he stood there he notcied that some souls were allowed to march right through the Pearly Gates into Heaven. Others though, were led oever to Satan who threw them into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him.
So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing?
"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgement, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fire's of Hell with the others?
"Oh, those...." Satan groaned.
"They're all from the Maritimes. They're still too cold and wet to burn."

You Know You're a Nova Scotian When:

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

2. "Vacation" means going to Moncton for the weekend.

3. You measure distance in hours.

4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

5. You often switch from heat to air conditioning in the same day.

6. You use a down comforter in the summer.

7. Your grandparents drive at 100km/hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.

8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.

9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

10. You think of the major food groups as deer or moose meat, fish and Keith's.

11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.

12. There are seven empty cars running in the parking lot at Canadian Tire at any given time.

13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

15. You think lingerie is tube socks and flanel pajamas.

16. You know all four seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.

17. It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a hurry, because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.

And finally, you know you live in Nova Scotia when:

18. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Nova Scotia.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do."
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and
coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass
and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!" And she acts like she's sound asleep."

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a
car came along and hit the door, ripping it off
completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the
lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to
his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he
whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!"
re-torted the officer, "You're so worried about your
stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left
arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the
bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's
my Rolex!"

Hey-- there is got to be some truth in the following !!
Why suicide?
Everyone seems to be wondering why terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. . . . . .

>No Jesus
>No Christmas
>No television
>No cheerleaders
>No baseball
>No football
>No hockey
>No golf
>No tailgate parties
>No Wal-Mart
>No Home Depot
>No pork BBQ
>No hot dogs
>No burgers
>No chocolate chip cookies
>No lobster
>No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
>No gumbo
>No jambalaya
>No Beer
>No Nascar
>Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
>No bars with wet t-shirt contests
>Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
>Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
>More than one wife, meaning more than one mother in law..
>You can't shave.
>Your wives can't shave.
>You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
>The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
>Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.
>Then they tell you have to die before it all gets better and those virgins in paradise, you aren’t sure if they’re guys, girls or hermaphrodites! C’mon doe eyed, is not really gender specific!!
>I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

A young Newfoundlander moved to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job.
The manager says " Do you have any sales experience?"

The Newfie says " Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Newfoundland."

Well, the boss liked the Newfoundlander (of course) so he gave him the job. He said " You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did on your first day".

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see him. "How many sales did you make today?", the boss asked.

The Newfie proudly said " One".

The boss says, " Just One? Our sales people average 20- 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The Newfie says, $101,237.64".

The Boss says, " $101,237.64? What in the name of God did you sell?"

The Newfie said, "I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going to go fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat dept. and I sold him that twin engine Sea Ray. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive dept. and sold him that 4 X 4 Suburban.

The Boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck ?"

The Newfie says,"No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said . . .

" Well, your weekend's shot. . .You might as well go fishing!!!"

An Nova Scotian, Ontairian & a Newfie were in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when, suddenly, the Nova Scotian cried out, "I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Nova Scotian calls out, "Hey! Hey, you! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says.

The Nova Scotian calls the bartender over and says to him, "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Bluenose Beer from me."

So the bartender pours Jesus a Bluenoseand takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles "thank you" and drinks.

The Ontairian then calls out, "Er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?"

Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Ontairian beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Molson Canadian for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Newfoundlander calls out, "Hey, you! D'yafigger you're Jesus, or what?"

Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Newfie is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a bottle of Black Horse for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Nova Scotian and
shakes it, thanking him for the Bluenose. When he lets go, the Nova Scotian gives a cry of amazement. "Oh! the arthritis is gone," he says."The arthritis I've had for years is gone."

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Ontairian, thanking him for the Molson Canadian. Upon letting go, the Ontairian's eyes widen in shock. "By Jove," he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Newfoundlander, who has a terrified look on his face. "Back off, buddy, I'm on Workers Compensation."

Warning - Gross Joke

Farmer MacDonald was having some trouble with his bull. It seemed like the bull wasn't servicing the cows the way he used to, so he called the vet. The vet came by and had a look. "Ahhh, I know what to do, bring one of the cows over here."

So Farmer MacDonald got a cow. "Alright," said the vet,"this is what you do." and he lifted the cow's tail, rubbed her with some paper towel and took it over and rubbed it on the bull's nose. The bull sniffed, snorted and started breeding the cows with a vengeance!

Farmer MacDonald was impressed and gratefully thanked the vet.

Later that night, while in bed with his wife, Farmer MacDonald started thinking about his bull's performance. "Y'know," he said to himself, "I haven't been performing that well in the bedroom either. I wonder if the same thing would work for me..."

So he reached over, rubbed his wife, and started rubbing his nose. Things perked up, so he did it again. Now he was rock hard and ready! This was better than Viagra!!

Excitedly, he woke up his wife. "Honey, Honey!! LOOK!!"

His wife rolled over, switched on the light and said, "Oh dear, you've got a nosebleed!"
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